Dear Kate Leth

Dear Kate Leth,

 

            I have only found your work recently, but I am already a big fan.  I read all of Kate or Die and I was so inspired by how honest you were in that comic.  I have been struggling with depression since I was a teenager.  In the fall of 2008, several horrible things happened to me at once and I went on a downward spiral.  I started self-harming behavior, in the form of over eating.  Instead of cutting myself, I would eat until I felt so stuffed I wanted to vomit, but wouldn’t let myself.  I gained over 100 pounds in about a year and then kept going.  I am now in therapy and on medication, but the weight is still here.  Since 2011, I have been taking steps to bring myself back from that dark place.  I went back to school to be a paralegal.  I have thought about working in the legal field since I was small, but never went through with it.  Now I work in a small law firm.  I bought myself a house.  My childhood was less than ideal and this is the first time I have ever lived in a place that has been owned.  I have great friends who are a support network when the depression comes back.  I also have two freaking adorable kittens, named Dagobah and Kashyyyk, who are the greatest assholes on the planet.  The one thing I am still really struggling with is my weight.

 

            Why is a complete stranger telling you all of this intensely personal stuff?  Here’s the deal:  I want a new tattoo and I want you to design it.  I have four tattoos now.  One is a small black star I got during a semester abroad in London.  It was the first time I was in an airplane, the first time I left the country, the first time I went that long without seeing family, the first time I lived outside of my parents’ house or a dorm, and it was amazing.  My second tattoo is a moon symbol I got during my last year of college.  At the time, I was hanging with some wiccans and I got this ink to symbolize that, and the whole finishing college, finding my way in the world thing.  Next, I got a sun symbol.  This one I got when I moved out of my parents’ house.  I also got it for balance.  All three of my celestial tattoos are on my lower back.  I call it my tramp stamp collection.  The sun also represents the male.  I have such daddy issues and dating is a joke and I wanted to improve that part of my life.  My most recent tattoo I got in 2010, when I visited Seattle and met my half-brother for the first time.  It’s a line from a Queen song called “Dear Friends” that wraps around my left arm.  In the five years since I got that ink, I have wanted another tattoo.  I decided a few years ago what I wanted:  scales.  Not like fish scales, like weighing scales.  I want a palm-sizedish set of scales between my shoulder blades.  This is to represent my job (blind Justice and her scales), finding balance in my life, and my continuing weight-related struggles.  Despite several starts with diet and exercise over the past few years, I am currently the heaviest I have ever been.  I weigh over 300 pounds.  It’s humiliating for me to admit that, especially to someone who I admire so much.  Every New Year’s Eve and birthday I resolve that this will be the year I make those changes.  Every time I fail.  But I keep trying, and for me, that’s what important.  Because I don’t always want to.  Very often I want to give up on myself.  I know, from reading your comics, that you know how that feels.  I refuse to, though.  I refuse to give up on me.  No matter how many false starts I make, I will always make another.  Even if I never get to some goal weight, I will keep trying.  Giving up on myself is not an option and I want to put that into my skin.  I want that knowledge permanently etched into my body.  So that when I forget, it’s there.  When I want to give up, I will have a physical reminder that it’s not an option, never will be an option, and that I can give it one more try. 

 

            I know that you are super busy and I doubt you even do commissions anymore, but I am asking you to do this one for me.  For a long time I have been putting this off, telling myself that when I lose x amount of weight, then I will get the tattoo.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  I want to start living now instead of waiting for some unknown future date when I have already achieved the goal.  I also have no idea what I want this tattoo to look like, other than scales.  As I said, I love your work and the tattoos you have designed and I would be so grateful if you would be willing to do this commission for me.  I’m not sure how much you would charge but I honestly don’t care. This is something I need to do for myself, no matter the cost.  Tomorrow is my 34^th birthday.  You doing this would be such an amazing gift.  But, you know, no pressure. 

 

            I hope to hear from you soon.  Even if you have to say no, I will still be a fan and follow you obsessively online.  Promise. 

 

Sincerely,

Megan Goodier

Eating Myself to Death

I have been having some health issues recently, culminating in back pain so intense that my doctor initially thought it was kidney stones.  It was not.  It was degenerative disc disease, fatty liver, and enlarged, inflamed lymph nodes.  All of these conditions are directly caused or exacerbated by my weight.  When I went to the doctor's office last week, I weighed in at 317 pounds.  That was dressed, but no shoes, so maybe I'm more like 316.  I'm 5'5", 33 years old, and I weigh over 300 pounds.  My weight is having a direct negative effect on my health and my lifestyle.  I prefer to stay in, spending far too many hours on my couch in front of the TV.  When I do go out with friends it's often food related - out to dinner or lunch - and rarely healthy.  I exercise only rarely, excusing myself with the fact that I have two jobs and little time.  I eat horrible food which I think tastes good, often in very large quantities.  I am pretty sure that I have binge eating disorder.  I never admit the amount of food that I eat to anyone, even my "tell everything to" friend.  I am prediabetic and on medication for it.  I am clinically depressed and on medication and in therapy for that.  I am single, live alone in a house I bought two years ago and now can't afford with two kittens I adopted a week after my last cat, my companion for 7 years, died of a mystery neurological disorder.  Its April now and so far this year my cat died, I had my heart checked out, found out it was slightly enlarged, was put on medicine for the prediabetes because I failed to lose weight, my refrigerator died, my furnace went out, and now I'm having my current health issues.  My life is falling apart all around me and I know that my weight is the main cause.  Of almost all of it.  I am perpetually broke.  I barely make enough to cover expenses, even at two jobs, and then I waste money I don't have on food.  Fast food, ordering pizza, buying snacks while at my second job at a grocery store.  I sometimes feel like everything in my life revolves around food and I can't make it stop.  I've done Weight Watchers twice, myfitnesspal, fitbit, Loseit, and made a couple of very brief forays into Couch to 5K.  I really don't think that program is designed for people who are very obese.   I have been steadily gaining weight for years and just can't seem to stop myself.  Several times I have looked at myself and realized I was fatter than I've ever been, only to be another size bigger a few months down the line.  I remember when I was a size 14 and thought I was fat and my now size 24 self cries about how I wish I was fat like that.  I MUST make changes in my life.  I know this, but I just don't do it.  I think there is a part of me that is suicidal and sees the food and the weight as a slow but steady death march.  Which is true.  If I don't lose weight, I'm only going to get sicker and sicker and someday be 600 pounds in an electric scooter on disability.  I cannot let that happen.  I have to get this shit together before I waste what little life I will have left as a fat lump.  Maybe having a place to get thoughts together will help.  That's what I'm hoping, at least.  Wish me luck.

Hulk no smash no more

So yeah, that last post.  Kinda intense.  This is what happens when my rage beast gets loose.  My personal beast is a dinosaur.  I was used to calling her a T-Rex but I recently learned of a dinosaur with a name that is something like suckosaurus and I think that is a better fit.  I really needed to get that out somewhere and I was hoping that by spewing all of my venom here I would refrain from spewing it at my friends.  Unfortunately, that didn't work out.  We had our cage match and everything is okay now.  I am still amazed.  From my upbringing, I was taught that if you make people mad at you or disappoint them, you can never get the relationship back.  Every mistake was a drastic end to the opinion of you held by those you love.  This whole have a fight and then apologizing and making up stuff is still fairly new to me, but very AWESOME!  Being allowed to make mistakes and then talk about what happened and why is a revelation.  In my family we don't talk about stuff.  Ever.  We get mad, we ignore each other for awhile and then we pretend it never happened.  That doesn't work for me.  Thank every higher power in existence for my friends.  I love you guys.

I am NOT always the bitch!

So I am pissed.  Seriously, royally pissed.  About something trivial and stupid and so not worth the energy I am expending fretting about it.  I am also paranoid that it might end a great friendship, or at least strain it.  Here's the story:
I am in a book club with five friends.  We have been meeting at 9:30 pm on Sundays.  Of the six of us, THREE are inconvenienced by this time, because we work early on Monday mornings.  ONE is convinced she cannot get off of work any earlier, even though she doesn't put in a request.  She just decided that her boss would say no, so she doesn't bother.  I am the only person willing to bring up the fact that we should try to have the meetings at another time, and I am told that I am mean, I am whining and I am making the ONE feel badly.  Well she should!  If you can't even be bothered to make the effort to try to get off of work earlier to compromise with your friends, YOU SUCK!  The greatest thing is, she loves to moan about how she can never have Sundays off, then she was off last Sunday.  GRRRRRRRR. 
I know, it's a tiny thing but the reason I am so angry is that, once again, I am the bitch.  She is putting her own needs above those of THREE OTHER PEOPLE but I am the bad guy.  She refuses to even try and I am horrible and making her feel bad.  Seriously?  Plus, the other two early Monday risers refuse to speak up when we are all gathered.  At other times they will talk about how it's too late and they can't do it anymore but never in front of the ONE.  So I am the bitch.  Now, I admit that I have been getting pissed and have not been nice about my recent protests.  But the last time I tried to be nice I was told to quit whining.  So if I ask nicely I am whining and if I am forceful I am a bitch.  And now she is whining on facebook about how she is tired of being bitched at.  FUCK YOU!  OMG YOU ARE NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THIS GROUP!  When three of us are saying this doesn't work you don't get to tell us to suffer! 
Okay.  Breathing now. 

I'm like a rock star!

Yeah, I got an encore request today.  For reals, y'all.  Update on the job stuff:  I am currently somewhere in the process of 4 jobs.  The perm job was supposed to have made an offer by the end of last week.  I'm gonnna go ahead and guess that the offer was not made to me.  Two are HIGH paying contracts, but I haven't gotten any feedback on either.  #1 wanted someone to start today and I had another company call about it after I'd been subbed.  Generally, this means they don't like my resume and are still looking but couldn't be bothered to tell my recruiter that they are not interested.  #2 is stalling.  Word is that at least one person involved in the decision is on vacay this week.  Last but not least is a decent paying contract I was subbed for today.  This sounds like the best set up of all three and has a decent chance of going perm.  Basically, I am all good with the Job Opportunity gods right now, but not so much with the Actually Getting Hired gods.  While I would love to get a HIGH paying job, like way high, like LOTS OF MONIES, I would settle for adequate and full time.  I'm going to try to sneak in 40 hours at my current "part-time" job this week.  That might get derailed by interviews, though.  It's a roller coaster folks, but I am glad to be riding.  No matter how stressful it gets, I just remember that last year at this time I felt stuck in a job I hated with no future.  This year I am making more money for less work AND going to school so I can has career in a year or so.  Even when I worry about the bills getting paid I still know that I made the right decision to go temp.  School is most important.  The jobs I have now are a means to an end;  that end being the career I am studying for.  In a year or two I will be happily doing a job that I studied and worked hard to get, beginning the career that will hopefully last the rest of my working life and wondering why I worried so much.

I went camping

Camping and I do not get along.  I am opposed to dirt, bugs and using the Great Outdoors as a toilet.  I do not sleep on the ground and I find sleeping bags too confining.  I am also a bug bite magnet, despite all efforts with sprays, lanterns, torches, etc.  So why did I spend my Labor Day weekend camping?  They made me.

My friends banded together in a mass effort of pleading and guilt.  Oh, wait, that was just N.  Honestly, I went camping because it wasn't really camping.  I slept in an air conditioned Airstream.  On a very comfy bed.  There were flush toilets.  I got to drive a golf cart around the campground.  This is the only type of camping in which I am a willing participant.  The campground itself was pretty awesome.  Despite a "no permanent buildings" rule, there were some pretty sweet summer homes.  One person had a sign in the front proclaiming that he is "White Trash".  Another lot included a rickety looking wooden shack featuring at least 5 non-working surveillance cameras.  The "streets" in this campground were named after long-time lot owners.  Unfortunately, from our camper the sign for Cody Pass read "COD ASS".  And then there is Trixie's Marina, also known as my favorite place in all of Kentucky.  This lovely little dive is right next to the campground and easily accessible by golf cart.  They sell snacks, soda, beer and the BEST diner food I have had in a good long while.  I had this double-decker BLT that make my tummy sing.  All of the people who work there are awesome, including "Sweetheart" who is a ringer for Albert Ingles and the owner herself (not named Trixie) who has a photo shopped pic of herself with Brad Pitt hanging above the register. 

The surrounding area is also fodder for entertainment.  The campground is located near a state park called Big Bone Lick.  I am so not kidding.  So there is a Big Bone Lick church, road, etc.  I giggled like Beavis and Butthead as we passed each sign.  There is also an area called Beaver Lick, which is home to the Beaver Lick Baptist Church.  Yup.  The campground is on Gunpowder Creek which empties into the mighty Ohio River.  Boating on that river was amazing.  So much of the land in that area is still undeveloped so it was all trees and birds.  While I really wanted to get a look at Squalor on the River, I was actually in Kentucky and across from Indiana, so no dice.  But speaking of dice, we did boat past the massive casino complex in Rising Sun.  The riverboat is only a small part of it, people.  It's HUGE.  The friends we were staying with not only own two camp lots, each with air conditioned trailer, they also rent a share in a private island on the Ohio.  So we went there too.  They are also friends with my new favorite couple ever.

Manly and Judy are the nicest, funniest, most real people I have met in a good long time.  Manly is in his 70's and Judy her 60's.  They have been married for 50 years and boy does it show.  Judy is the sweetest person you have ever met, until Manly starts in.  She gives as good as she gets and made me howl with laughter.  Manly is....  How can I describe him?  He is part good old boy, part dirty old man, and all genuinely friendly and nice guy.  I loved him so much that I wanted to bring him home with me. 

To sum up, I had an amazing weekend doing something that I didn't want to do.  Now, camping in a tent on the ground and peeing outside is still not on my list of things to do.  But this "camping" with these people in this place?  I can't wait to go back!

I am defintely older, so where's the wiser?

Today I had my second interview for a recruiting job.  Even a year ago I couldn't get these people to call me back after applying, but now they found me and I think I have a good chance of getting this job.  It's full-time, permanent with benefits and a good commission package.  I should be dancing.  Instead, I am stress eating and feeling nauseous.  I don't wanna.  My last recruiting job ended with me being fired.  I was technically laid off, but they and I knew what really happened.  I deserved it, don't get me wrong, but it HURT.  Even now, I get all stressy stomach when I think about that place.  I can't drive past it.  This new job is a different company, with different policies and people and it seems like a much happier place to be.  Yet the thought of working there still makes me a bit ill.  Is it possible to have PTSD about an old job?

Right now I am in the midst of a big ole change.  The ground beneath me is shifting and sometimes I fall down.  This is by my own choice, but it's still hard.  I know that my ultimate goal is to finish school, become a paralegal and move to Seattle.  Some days that seems easier than others.  When my financial aid for school turned out to be significantly less than expected, my plans were somewhat derailed.  Now, instead of working part-time and going to school full-time, I will have to work full-time to pay the bills.  I am still going to school full-time for fall, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to hack it.  I might have to take fewer classes which means it will be that much longer before I finish.  I feel torn.  School is my priority right now.  It HAS to be!  But a girl's gotta live, and I don't know if I can go back to the broke college student lifestyle.  I keep trying to convince myself that even if I go part-time the important thing is that I stay in school.  Part of me thinks that is a cop-out. 

NO, it's not.  Getting this degree is important to me, but I refuse to give up my life for it.  I like shopping and going out with my friends and I need to do that too.  I can do both.  It will be hard, and the faster I get that piece of paper the better, but I will live through it.  Maybe just not at the job that makes me physically ill.