Dear
Kate Leth,
I have only found your work
recently, but I am already a big fan. I
read all of Kate or Die and I was so inspired by how honest you were in that
comic. I have been struggling with
depression since I was a teenager. In
the fall of 2008, several horrible things happened to me at once and I went on
a downward spiral. I started
self-harming behavior, in the form of over eating. Instead of cutting myself, I would eat until
I felt so stuffed I wanted to vomit, but wouldn’t let myself. I gained over 100 pounds in about a year and
then kept going. I am now in therapy and
on medication, but the weight is still here.
Since 2011, I have been taking steps to bring myself back from that dark
place. I went back to school to be a
paralegal. I have thought about working
in the legal field since I was small, but never went through with it. Now I work in a small law firm. I bought myself a house. My childhood was less than ideal and this is
the first time I have ever lived in a place that has been owned. I have great friends who are a support
network when the depression comes back.
I also have two freaking adorable kittens, named Dagobah and Kashyyyk,
who are the greatest assholes on the planet.
The one thing I am still really struggling with is my weight.
Why is a complete stranger telling
you all of this intensely personal stuff?
Here’s the deal: I want a new
tattoo and I want you to design it. I
have four tattoos now. One is a small
black star I got during a semester abroad in London. It was the first time I was in an airplane,
the first time I left the country, the first time I went that long without
seeing family, the first time I lived outside of my parents’ house or a dorm,
and it was amazing. My second tattoo is
a moon symbol I got during my last year of college. At the time, I was hanging with some wiccans
and I got this ink to symbolize that, and the whole finishing college, finding
my way in the world thing. Next, I got a
sun symbol. This one I got when I moved
out of my parents’ house. I also got it
for balance. All three of my celestial
tattoos are on my lower back. I call it
my tramp stamp collection. The sun also
represents the male. I have such daddy
issues and dating is a joke and I wanted to improve that part of my life. My most recent tattoo I got in 2010, when I
visited Seattle and met my half-brother for the first time. It’s a line from a Queen song called “Dear
Friends” that wraps around my left arm.
In the five years since I got that ink, I have wanted another
tattoo. I decided a few years ago what I
wanted: scales. Not like fish scales, like weighing
scales. I want a palm-sizedish set of
scales between my shoulder blades. This
is to represent my job (blind Justice and her scales), finding balance in my
life, and my continuing weight-related struggles. Despite several starts with diet and exercise
over the past few years, I am currently the heaviest I have ever been. I weigh over 300 pounds. It’s humiliating for me to admit that,
especially to someone who I admire so much.
Every New Year’s Eve and birthday I resolve that this will be the year I
make those changes. Every time I
fail. But I keep trying, and for me,
that’s what important. Because I don’t
always want to. Very often I want to
give up on myself. I know, from reading
your comics, that you know how that feels.
I refuse to, though. I refuse to
give up on me. No matter how many false
starts I make, I will always make another.
Even if I never get to some goal weight, I will keep trying. Giving up on myself is not an option and I
want to put that into my skin. I want
that knowledge permanently etched into my body.
So that when I forget, it’s there.
When I want to give up, I will have a physical reminder that it’s not an
option, never will be an option, and that I can give it one more try.
I know that you are super busy and I
doubt you even do commissions anymore, but I am asking you to do this one for
me. For a long time I have been putting
this off, telling myself that when I lose x amount of weight, then I will get
the tattoo. I don’t want to do that
anymore. I want to start living now
instead of waiting for some unknown future date when I have already achieved
the goal. I also have no idea what I
want this tattoo to look like, other than scales. As I said, I love your work and the tattoos
you have designed and I would be so grateful if you would be willing to do this
commission for me. I’m not sure how much
you would charge but I honestly don’t care. This is something I need to do for
myself, no matter the cost. Tomorrow is
my 34th birthday. You doing
this would be such an amazing gift. But,
you know, no pressure.
I hope to hear from you soon. Even if you have to say no, I will still be a
fan and follow you obsessively online.
Promise.
Sincerely,
Megan
Goodier
